The Gun Is Good The Penis Is Evil
by Troumvirate
Summary: Be careful. Guns in RWBY are dangerous.


Team JNPR (Get it? Because Oscar PINE?) had one job. Protect the relic. All that stood in their way was one pint sized midget with an umbrella and a boner for murder.

After fending her off all they had to do was escape Atlas Academy and meet back up with Team RWBY. Then they would be home free with the relic and the winter maiden!

Until they ran into two Atlesian soldiers with guns.

"Shit! Retreat!" Jaune ordered.

"What! Why?" Ren asked. "We outnumber them."

"They've got GUNS Renny!" Nora screamed like a mad woman, clutching her grenade launcher to her chest for comfort like a dangerous steel teddy bear.

"Run!" Jaune screamed.

So they all ran away from the soldiers until they ran into Neo again. Or at least Oscar did. And she took the relic from him. Didn't Oscar hold his own against Hazel? And Leonardo? Sure he may have been old but he was still a headmaster and veteran huntsman. I guess the more the fandom likes you the stronger your plot armor is.

After regrouping Jaune decided they needed to get the relic back. They found Neo! But oh shit there were three, count 'em, THREE more guys with guns!

"Guns!" Jaune cried. "Run run run!"

Team JNPR turned tail and ran again. Nora was blubbering like crazy as they ran. Ren decided he'd had enough.

"Guys why are we running?" he asked after a good five minutes of retreat that made the Italian army in World War Two look competent in comparison. "They're just Atlas soldiers. Grunts. Chaff. Canon fodder. We can beat them and get the relic back."

"But Ren!" Nora wailed. "They have GUNS!"

"Guns kill people," Oscar educated.

"But their guns suck. All guns in RWBY suck. I mean look at mine." Ren produced Storm and Flower and waved them around. "Have you ever seen me kill anything with these two pieces of crap?"

"Stop waving those things around!" Nora screamed. "You'll shoot your eye out!"

"I'm just saying, why are we running away from three crappy soldiers with crappier guns? Don't you remember how in volume 3 Blake and Weiss tore through like 50 Atlas Knights and White Fang dudes by themselves? They all had guns too."

"Shut up shut up shut up!" Jaune yelled, holding and shaking his head. "Stop reminding me of the good old days!"

"I know what's going on here," Ren angered. "This isn't about guns. This isn't about guns at all! You're a traitor, Jaune!"

The audience gasped in shock. Who would have thought that a man would turn out to be evil in RWBY?

Neo jumped out of nowhere and landed beside Jaune. He put an arm around her waist and pulled her close.

"It's true," he Iagoed at his friends. "I'm working with Neo because the plot needs Cinder to get the relic. And the two available choices were us being completely incompetent dumbfucks, or me being a mole like I work for CTU in Fox's hit television drama '24' starring Kiefer Sutherland as Jack Bauer!"

"You thought Pyrrha was Jaune's girlfriend. But it was me! Neo!"

"Was that a Jojo reference?" Ren asked.

"Was that a 'was that a Jojo reference' reference?" Nora added.

Jaune gasped. "Wait Neo! I thought you couldn't talk!"

"Oh shit you're right," Neo winced. "Sorry. Remembering canon is hard. It's so comprehensive and detailed that it's easy to get lost in the deep and detailed lore of our world."

"It's okay. The RWBY fandom is very forgiving of retconning canon. Or just plain forgetting it."

"No they're not."

"Well, everyone who hasn't already jumped ship is."

"Fair."

"So mind if you go back to not talking? That's like the only reason your character hasn't been ruined yet."

Neo smiled and nodded.

"I can't believe this plot twist," Ren said as tears streamed down his face. "I thought I knew you Jaune. You're supposed to be a good guy."

"I also faked my way into Beacon Academy and plotted to steal an air ship. I'm pretty bad. And that's why Neo loves me so much."

She nodded emphatically.

"Now run, my love. Run back to Cinder and give her the relic. It's the only way to make her shitstorm of a character still have relevance to the story as Salem nears Atlas' doorstep."

Neo nodded and kissed him. She ran away leaving JNPR stewing in their own failure.

"I can't believe Neo took the relic from us," Ren grumbled. "This is bad."

Yes. Yes it was. And so is that piece of dialogue which we will never let him live down.

The end.


End file.
